he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
