turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
