I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
