I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
It's no shave November. This is our time.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
