We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
