Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
