Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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