I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
