God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
