3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
