Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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