My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
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Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
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Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.