There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
