i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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