So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
