your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
