woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
