he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
