The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
