3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
