I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
