If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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