Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
