watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
