im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
