You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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