I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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