Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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