we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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