Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
you made out with another girl for some wings
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
