y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Porn is love you can see.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
