Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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