Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
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We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize