Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
