Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
