Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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