3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
