My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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