I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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