Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
