I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
