the condom got lost in my hair
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
