Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
