some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
