answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
