On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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