i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
