I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Is it penis luge time yet?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
