It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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