one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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