just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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