a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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