doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
