You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
