My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
